Anniversary Musings

13th May 2010 and 2013.

Anniversaries – 13 and ten years passed. Same date, different years and incidences, not always celebrations.

Dates– Synchronicities and markers in the timeline of life, some so significant they are never forgotten.

Memories – The visual recall, in the now, of moments in time of the past.

Detours – Life altering change making it impossible to go backwards. Thrust forward into a new unknown.

Emotions – Each year different emotions, progressive healing with each one that passes.

Questions – Many questions each passing year, none ever the same.

2023 brings a different approach, silent self-observation sees beyond the mask of preservation and perseverance. This year so many questions, no longer why and how. Instead, there’s curiosity and marvel at the human ability to feel, recall, heal and change.

I notice my body’s current pain and query if my unstable back, aching body and sore rheumatic like hands are my body’s memory response to the 13th of May? No doubt this past week’s events have played a role in my body’s hurts, but is there also a historical element? 13th of May 2010 was after all the event where Fibromyalgia ignited in my body and robbed me of life for the next six years.

Fibromyalgia is known to be caused from trauma early in life that sits dormant in the body until significant trauma later in life awakens its presence and symptoms appear. Does the human body ever forget I find myself asking in the discomfort of my current pain?

The modern medical system tells you Fibromyalgia has no cure, once activated it remains present. I don’t believe that because my life no longer consists of daily exhaustion, all over body pain, brain fog, disinterest in life, depression and suicidal ideologies. It hasn’t for nearly five years.

Yet today, 13th May 2023, my body is feeling otherwise.

On this date my mind remembers and my body feels the events of 2010. With each passing year the pain, e-motions and triggers lessen in their intensity and how they come forth. The only constant is my mind’s visual recall, taking me back as if it was yesterday. I am curious at how each year I feel different.

The first few years were the healing years, they were filled with anger, pain, self-depreciation, fear and hate. The memories were strong and being built on further as I drowned in the unknown world that day thrust me into.

The middle years were where I detached in my desperation to heal, in my poor health and inability to do much of anything. The memories came but I was numb inside and out. It was clinical and factual. This, this and this happened. I was existing but not living.

The latter of the 13 years had elements of numbness too, yet soul wisdom had joined me by then. Yet parts of me were still numb and I silently held the truth, talking only from a historical view. Who was I trying to protect in my inner silence? Myself, or others? Was it conditioning or self-denial that robbed me of the ability to fully heal and let go of the event? Do I actually need to let go? Is it necessary? Or is it expected of me?

Regardless of whether the event was ‘good’ or ‘bad’ it happened. To deny that, to never speak of it, to be silent and not acknowledge it, doesn’t negate my truth that it happened. The truth that ever single year I remember. I see it. I acknowledge it. I feel it. To not talk of it is to deny it. Why must I deny it? Is that for my comfort or others? Is it not healthier for my wellbeing to be able to speak freely of it and to honour that part of my life regardless how others perceive it? Irrespective of how it impacted my life?

To talk about it, to publicly acknowledge it, does not mean it is present today as it was in the early years. It does not mean I am stuck in the past unable to move forward from it. My life is nothing like it was last year, let alone 13 or 10 years ago. But the truth is this date, the 13th of May, always brings back the events of 13 and 10 years ago. To deny that is to deny my truth.

But ever year my relationship with this date changes, which finds me asking “Will I always remember this date?” And is it a bad thing if I do? Where does this questioning come from? Is it my belief of what others expect of me, or is it the complexity of the human mind? Is it my soul’s way of having me self-reflect to acknowledge my values, my journey, my human characteristics and the wisdom I have gained from these significant events that altered who I am forever?

My emotions around this date have changed every anniversary. Today my mind recalls with vivid clarity the events, but my heart no longer hurts. I see how the 13th of May 2010 and 2013, and all decisions and circumstances since, have positively impacted my life. So why do I even question acknowledging this date because out of destruction came significant beneficial change?

Should I be angry at the visual recall each year? Could I even stop it from coming? The human mind is a powerful tool! Is it not healthier to allow than to subdue? Is attempting to subdue to appease others? Or myself? I am not consumed by it in 2023. It no longer stirs up pain and suffering, but it does stir my emotions. To deny that is to deny my truth.

With every passing year there is deepening understanding, self-love and compassion. Events from the 365 days in between anniversaries ALWAYS show me how far I’ve come from the broken person I was in 2010. Each year I do something different to acknowledge the vivid mind memories that come. This year I will do a fire, into it photos from the past will burn. Like the mind memories that come each 13th of May, I will always have the photo’s memories. Energetically though the fire will transform them and I will no longer carry them around with me. They are an unnecessary baggage. I know the power of fire’s transformation and it is far more than just a ritual. It is a cleansing of my soul. An honouring of the past, the present and the future.

In writing and sharing I speak my truth. For me. I courageously show up. Not for attention. Definitely not for sympathy for there is no need or desire for that. It is as simple as honouring this date and the depth of impact it has had and has on me.

It is an anniversary of my soul’s journey into deep self-love.

That is worth remembering.

Published by Penelope Hockings

I am a Soul Weaver, an Authorised Civil Celebrant & Ceremonialist, a published Author, teacher and student of the Soul. I am an intuitive psychic and channeller and I am here to help people reconnect and remember their soul and who they are beyond their human form.

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