My journey home to soul has required a lot from me, not least of which has been strength, courage and perseverance.
Diving deep within my soul has been both a journey of beauty and immeasurable joy, and a journey of confrontational challenges. Without doubt what kept me going, and still keeps me going, is my inner strength. When my light momentarily dims, my faith waivers, dense energies overshadow the light energies within and I am being challenged to dive even deeper – my inner strength keeps me moving forward, even if only slightly.
I know my strength is my Soul Truth, by that I mean a core value of who I am and a truth that never alters, falters or disappears. It always exists and therefore is my Soul Truth.
Our Soul only speaks from a place of truth, void of the stories and conditioning of our human form. Yes strength is an attribute or quality of our human form, but when it is a constant presence that requires no effort to implement, exists without control and is readily available at any given moment – that is also a Soul Truth.
My life experiences delivered me a lot of trauma, the gift of which I fully appreciate these days as I know trauma is the area I’m here to help others with, while I still traverse my own. Some may perceive that as paradoxical but dealing with my own layers of trauma places me in a unique position to understand and relate to others traversing their trauma, in a non-clinical, relatable and lived experience way. The very juxtaposition of the space holder admitting to continued work on their own trauma while holding space for others to work through theirs, is where the intense power lies.
Interestingly though I find myself today contemplating the power and limitations of strength. As a Soul Truth I cannot alter it, and why would I want to, but at times our Soul Truths can cause conflict within us as we live our human life. This is the conundrum I find myself in today.
On one hand my strength is my greatest asset and what pulls me through very confronting moments of confusion, uncertainty, instability and dense energies. It is indeed a powerful ally during difficult times. However it can also be a limitation during these moments too.
The past week has been a massive week for me, based purely on the historical life experiences in my personal timeline. Nothing about the significance of this moment in my timeline is new or surprising, and my attitude towards it is positive and empowering, no longer limiting and debilitating. My approach to this moment in time is very different today than what it was even last year. I have done so much work to understand and befriend the traumatic experiences from this point in my timeline. Undoubtedly there are still layers of clearing, but they are empowering opportunities not energetically overwhelming like they used to be. They no longer consume me with grief and a ‘victim’ mentality (which they did for years!).
I’ve been very deliberately and intentionally focused on shifting the energies, using the numerous processes and skills I know to alchemise and collapse the specific timelines. I know I’ve been successful in doing so, but as often occurs and which is why healing deep traumas is a multi-layered process, it has bought forth another ‘theme’ for clearing.
Yesterday I found myself in physical pain reminiscent of my journey with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. Momentarily I questioned if it was back, but that thought vanished as quickly as it came as I know that was fear speaking, trying to join the inner conversation and derail my Soul Truth.
My physical body was tired, my e-motions were freely expressed with tears and my soul was demanding rest after a huge week of processing and clearing. I couldn’t do anything but lay down and surrender and was forced to miss dancing, which I had been looking forward to as it is one of the best ways for me to clear the dense energy remnants within me shaken up from deep processing of trauma. Even though it was an empowering week of processing it was draining and energetically heavy. Dancing would have been perfect but I was being asked to rest. So I did. 12 hours rest, not completely undisturbed, but still rest.
This morning I have awoke with a restlessness inside me, which has also been bubbling alongside my week long processing. This restlessness is around the complexity of strength. My personal experience with strength is it is indeed a life saving Soul Truth, but it also leaves me feeling alone.
Being strong is a quality I have accepted as my Soul Truth but also resented throughout my life. This resentment sits strongly with me today. I resent it because it makes me feel alone. Those who know me, or even those who know my life experiences, know I am strong. They know, as do I, that I can overcome massive hurdles. They know my life experiences have forced me to be alone in conquering the traumas lived. So there’s a knowing and trusting from others that I will always rise like the Phoenix. I know this within myself too because it is my Soul Truth. But, and it’s an important BUT, just because I can rise, have always risen and will continue to rise, doesn’t mean I want to be alone in achieving that. Sometimes the love, support and nurturing of others would make the world of difference in my rising.
Here’s the irony, confusion, conflict I face in that statement – being strong, always having overcome my challenges alone has created a wall to asking for help/support from others. BINGO, there’s the story and my current truth (human reality – not Soul Truth). My past conditioning shows me I can’t rely on others to be there for me when I need them, even if it is just for loving nurturing in silence. I am acutely aware that the perception of others that I am strong, for them equivocates to I don’t need the support of others. Which is in fact very untrue.
Even strong people require love and support. Even those who have a proven track record of overcoming extreme difficulties, require love and support. The Soul is love – in its simplest explanation it is love. Pure, unconditional love. As humans we all have a soul. It is our Soul that radiates and gives love, but as humans we also desire love. Often we outsource this love to be the responsibility of others to provide to us when in fact self-love is the love we mainly need. Hence my succumbing to the need to rest was an act of self-love, as too is delving into what is arising around strength – another act of self-love.
So self-love is the first priority but as a human being we also choose to accept the love of others when we form relationships with others. Friendships, romantic unions, family dynamics – they all contain love.
My conundrum today is around feeling alone and desiring unconditional love and support but my belief that my strength is what keeps people from giving their support because they perceive I don’t need it – because I am strong. Then further conflict arises within me with the knowledge that I have difficulty asking for support when I need it because my life experiences have shown me I can’t rely on others to give me what I am asking for/needing. Humans are master storytellers and there is a good example of that. The fact I have labelled it a ‘belief’ shows it is based on a story I am running. And this is what we do as humans – we tell ourselves these elaborate stories and accept them as our current truth, which is a misalignment with our Soul Truth.
Where my difficulty today lies is that I have ‘proof’ that I am alone in working through this challenge. I have ‘proof’ that people see me as capable of dealing with things on my own, without help. I have ‘proof’ that what I offer to others is more often than not unreciprocated. I have ‘proof’ that I will process and clear this as I always do. Yet my soul is wanting to receive unconditional love and support. My human stories are compounding a very simple need.
I’ve chosen to share this vulnerable moment because the very important message here is that even strong people desire love and support. They may find it difficult to ask for but it doesn’t mean they desire to be alone. Which is all the more reason to be aware that just because a person is strong and capable, it is that very quality that will likely hold them back from asking for your support when they need it the most. Add to that their conditioned life experiences of being left alone during times of struggle and they’re even more likely not to ask.
Don’t falsely assume because a person is strong they don’t desire connection. Don’t fall into the trap of perceiving a person’s strength as equating to they don’t want or need love and support. Also don’t get misled that someone who is always there for others doesn’t need others to be there for them. These are all stories we create for one reason or another. The truth is ALL soul’s want to give and receive unconditional love but one’s life experiences can make it extremely challenging for some to ask for it.
Give it anyway. You could be an instrumental part of the person re-weaving their human stories and help destroy their ‘proof’ built walls so they feel safe in asking for the love and support they need, despite their strength and capability.