There’s people all around you, conversations flowing, laughter echoing the room, people animated in conversation and movement constant, and yet you are alone. Just another part of the aesthetics of the room, present and yet not. People know you’re there. You know you’re there, and yet you’re not. You’re alone in the crowd.
Pleasantries, politeness, hugs of welcome, come and go as you entwine with others through the time, yet you’re still alone among the crowd. Unseen, unheard and unacknowledged, and yet you’re not.
There’s a depth lacking that you desperately crave, like a plant craves water and light. It’s so desperate because it’s so needed. Brief interactions, the beginnings of conversations, enquiries towards your well being, yet nothing of substance is exchanged with most. Left empty, unfulfilled and malnourished you recognise your aloneness and turn inward for observation on reflection.
What is it that is lacking? Why is it you feel so alone in a crowd? What are you doing to create that? How can you do things differently to not feel alone? Do you even care you are? Is it fair to seek from others what you desire, need?
Observation leads to compassion, deeper clarity that life happens and humans are so often doing they forget to be, to flow and rest their full body not just the physical. Neglect of the emotional and feeling body, even when they know better, shows in their inability to fully switch off and surrender to the moment. Guarded without defensiveness, shielding their emotional being with simplicities and shallowness, not intentional, harmful shallowness, but still shallowness. Rigidity in their movements betraying the collective appearance of having their ‘shit’ together and letting their hair down. The visual portrays one thing but the energy another. This duality that exists more often than not because we automatically conform and perform to the rules of engagement as we’ve learned to do all our human life. Those that don’t, those rare few who listen to their whole being and follow what it needs, are those who feel alone in a crowd.
There is no judgment, instead deep compassion, awareness creating clarity and the truth of the observation, deep listening beyond the words being spoken and movements being made. The listening to the feeling, the energy reading of the surroundings, a gift yet also confusing as the human desire for connection brews in the background, leaving you feeling alone.
Moments of frustration, with others and yourself. Frustration at your own need for depth and your unwillingness to accept less, yet the certainty that you will be unsatisfied if you compromised what you need and the confusion that arises within you if you even try. The self-judgment and criticism that you are asking too much, being too much, seeking too much, unwilling to compromise and asking too much of others. Which is a complete fabrication of the human mind trying to convince you that what your soul so desperately needs is invalid and you are unworthy, to blame and at fault. Such is the conflicting duality of human and soul at times.
Those gathered are oblivious to the mechanics of their behaviors, joyously engaging and blending with their surroundings, seemingly enjoying themselves fully unaware of the misaligned energy swirling around the words and movements. They think they’re switched off, but the energy speaks a different truth, subtle but present.
Aloneness in a crowd comes from the ability to deeply feel the energy present and silently see the disparity between the physical form and the felt energy. It can be switched off, you can train yourself to not feel or to hide behind a mask ignoring what you feel, but to do so causes personal inner turmoil. So the cure is worse than the cause. Reality is that it is what is occurring in the environment, even when most are unaware of that truth. The conscious choice of those aware can conflict or resonate.
Choosing to switch off the senses means conforming, fitting in with everyone else switched off and to join in the joyous perception, but the outer presentation and participation won’t alter the inner conflict of your true desires. Deciding to honour the internal truth of your need for depth leads you to being alone in the crowd, yet at complete peace within. No conflict, although the human mind still creates the self-limiting stories so you turn them off with stillness, complete stillness in the moment in your physicality, mind and soul in the way you know you can.
Being alone in the crowd is largely a blessing because of the self-honouring and internal peace received when you listen deeply to what you need in that moment and honour only what fills your heart with joy and deep love.
Going against your internal radar, pushing aside your soul’s needs to conform, to appease others and keep up appearances based on the expectations of others, brings conflict within and conflict with others.
Getting swept up in the moment, social or otherwise, ignoring your needs screaming loudly from within leads not to flow but instead to intentional order and structure, a masculine energy of strength and power. Nothing about it feels free and flowing and while it ensures you fit in and engage with the environment your energy jars with the energy of the environment.
Outwardly it looks good, it maintains the status quo and ensures you don’t stand out. It sacrifices nothing in the environment, but it cripples your internal needs, compromises the truth of your authentic being. Eventually the disparity will surface, most likely in a destructive way as the energy within accompanied by the self-criticising mind chatter has to be released somehow. The energy body thrives on equilibrium not on internal chaos, and will push and push to be expelled until you allow it to come.
So is it worth it to conform and fit in, or is it healthier to allow yourself the space and grace to be as you are at any given moment and to maintain your inner peace despite your aloneness in the crowd?
This dance we dance as humans and souls is not always the perfect waltz. It is indeed the flow, the staccato, the chaos, the lyrical and the stillness. It is the five rhythms of every moment and the grace comes when we honour and allow.
Even if it means being alone in the crowd.